Bazzalite's NYC Blog

Poertyzzzz (Part 23)

2010-11-22T12:22:00.000-08:00

Ode to Chuz

Where do I start?, and where to begin?

With a subject I feel such passion within

Could it be religion? Could it be love?

Or maybe a calling direct from above?

And what could spur such a reckless desire?

(Like a pyro's expression when playing with fire)

My eyes are alight, but not quite as scary

(Cause a pyro's dry tinder, is my un-pasturised dairy)

Who would think that a taste so sweet

could be squeezed direct from an animal's teat

And left to ripen 'til it's ready to eat

when it smells just like a remedial's feet.

You've Cheddar, Camembert, Goat's and Feta

Parmesan, Gorgonzola (though Roquefort is better)

Edam and Gouda, so easy to slice

(Although Emmental is preferred by cartoon mice)

Cambozola, Mozzarella, Jarslberg and Brie

Mascaponi on some cake, to take with your tea

Ricotta and paneer to name just a few

(And I've only mentioned three that are Blue)

Pop on some bread, shove in your face

Quince jelly or chutney will make it taste ace

You'll have so much pleasure, there is no doubt

Unless your feet swell up from a severe case of gout

Fin

poertyzzzz (Part 22)

2010-09-02T13:58:00.000-07:00

Lunchtime Boooooze

Booze at lunchtime is a great idea

As long as you've got your schedule clear

Cause when you're sat back in your chair

All you do is face forwards and stare

Fin

Shelter Island

2010-08-31T05:00:00.000-07:00

This weekend a few of us travelled out to Shelter Island to celebrate Jimmy and Taylor's birthdays. It was a very relaxing weekend with some spiffing weather.... and some amazing sunsets.

I think I have an obsession with taking photos of sunsets. In fact, most of my photography is rubbish apart from the sunsets. So, if anyone is planning on getting married at exactly sunset, I'm available for wedding photography. Anyways.. here some photos of the weekend... including a couple of sunsets.

This is the hotel we stayed at. We got a bit of a talking to after the first night's rowdiness. Apparently guests DON'T like being woken up by drunken shouting at 3 in the morning. One word. Selfish.

This is a beach. No sunsets here. That's why it's a rubbish photo. It was actually a lot worse than this, but I got a professional re-toucher to do it again. Those boats are comped in, as is the person to the right of the frame. There was actually someone originally there, but they took them out and then paid $1,000 for a photo of a model, and then comped them back in. I think you'll all agree it was money well spent.

Sunset from the hotel.

Who's that cool looking guy? Surely they aren't HIS glasses as they look to me like a WOMAN'S glasses! You'd be right. I stole them from a woman... along with the shirt, and the bikini bottoms (out of frame)

Almost a sunset. But slightly before the sunset. Too soon for the photo to be any good. ZOMMMmgGGATT!!!@@@!!

Poertyzzzz (Part 21)

2010-08-30T09:42:00.000-07:00

Ode to Apples (By Iain B-L aged 31 3/4)

The apple, oh my! the forbidden fruit!

That Eve offered Adam in his birthday suit

But yet it is now forbidden no more

A plethora are available at your local store

There's Granny Smiths and English Coxes

Braeburn and Pippin all stacked up in boxes

Pink lady, Delicious and Court-Pendu Gris

Fuji and Empire with an acidic fizz

So many apples and so little time

I'd eat one a day, if I adhere to the rhyme

but even then I'd still want another

to see what sensations I may discover

Some peel the skin, some eat the core

Some like them stewed, most eat them raw

But don't eat the pips, or you may find

An apple tree sprouting from your behind

Fin

what's happened in the last 5 monthzzzz (June - July)....

2010-08-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

This is the final stretch of the update. I really hope you've enjoyed it... and it's about time to got back to talking about mundane recent occurrences, as opposed to mundanity that happened 2 months ago. So here goes...

9) Prospect Park (July)

Just look at that sky. This was just before I passed out from sunstroke.

Look! It's Huckleberry Fin! In a dress! It's the last thing Mark Twain would have expected.

There was actually a wedding going on at that big house on the left, and the woman sat there refused to move out of the way of the photographs. I'm sure they'll get her back by tracking down her wedding and sitting in the background of her photos. Ha... in your FACE sitting woman.

This is just a pretty picture. That's all I have to say about that.

10) Atlantic City (July)

Myself and Ben decided to go on a lad's day out to Atlantic City, "The Vegas of the East Coast". When I say "The Vegas of the East Coast", I actually mean "The Vegas mixed with a Blackpool and a tiny bit of Brighton Pier, with a good measure of Plymouth thrown in for free".

We played crazy golf, big buck hunter, went go-karting, and then decided to lose a load of money at the black jack table. This photo was post that.. and says it all. BALLS.

11) "Lights Out" shoot in Queens (August)

We did a two day shoot for a wicked 'live action' boxing game we're producing. Here are a couple of shots from the filming

The camera man almost got punched out a couple of times. Oh how we laughed.

This is the main guy getting a briefing from Chris. I think he was discussing dietary tips and his workout regime (Giant Haystacks taught him everything he knows!).. Zommg!@@!!!

12) Hassell in NY (August)

Chris spent a few days in the NY office. He added some real value whilst he was here, designing a beautiful "jizzing cock" out of drawing pins, which is positioned centre shot. We are very creative here at Ralph. And very very special.

That's all folks!

poertyzzzz (Part 20)

2010-08-28T09:20:00.000-07:00

Ode to Korean Chicken (By Iain B-L)

Chicken can be cooked a variety of ways

Baked or roasted with a light honey glaze

Fried by the Colonel, or braised on a grill

Barbecued, bread-crumbed, or poached with some dill

But the Korean's have a particular technique

Which isn't for fainthearted of meek

Cause it's double-deep-fried and covered in batter

And contains the same heat as volcanic matter

A glove is provided protecting hand from the heat

So you look like MJ as you eat to the beat

And if you make it though without loss of your bowel

You can finish off with a 'freshen-up towel'

After one bite it burns, after two you turn red

After 3 or 4 your taste-buds are dead

After one whole wing (a pitiful feeding)

Is finally when your eyeballs start bleeding

If you continue on and make it through

I have one my piece of advice for you

Unless you want to see a scene from Thriller

Keep your loo roll in the chiller

Fin

What's happened in the last 5 monthzzzz (May - June)....

2010-08-27T01:00:00.000-07:00

What could possibly be in store for the next update, you ask? "Did you wrestle a dugong Iain?", "Did you invent a new colour, Iain?", "Did you find a picture of Debbie McGee having relations with a corgi whilst the Queen looked on, taking the occasional Polaroid, Iain?".... sadly the answers to all of the questions are, No (apart from the Debbie McGee one.... I'm still holding out for a better price for that peach).

So here's what else I've been up to....

5) Fishing at Montauk (May)

Myself and a bunch of real men decided to go out and do a spot of finishing off the end of Long Island. We were fishing for Striped Bass and Fluke. Here's how the day unfurled..

We all managed a beer, even though we wanted to throw up due to a) being up at 4:30 in the morning b) having a massive hangover from the night before c) The sea being awful choppy.

The first catch... A Striped Bass. We caught our quota of this (10 fish). With those buggers thrashing about you soon get out of the way. I almost jumped overboard, but then I remembered the safety briefing which was simply "Stay in the boat".

Here's the gallant fishermen. As you can see the weather was particularly nice with a heavy mist making visibility about 10 metres. I was also wearing sunglasses so my visibility was slightly over 3 metres. And what with my boss-eye....

With a boat fill of fish we pulled back into the harbour. What you can't quite see in this photo is just how sunburnt my face is. Being British and also not being able to see the sun through the mist, we thought we'd be safe for 10 hours on the deck of the boat. We were wrong.

Here is the full catch. 10 Striped Bass, and 1 Fluke. Ben also caught a Baby Ray... but we quickly threw it back when he shouted out "Cover your heart". Don't want another tragedy on our hands.... Zommmmmmgggzzz!@££!

6) CT - Back to the MASSIVE house (June)

Anyone for tennis? Yes.. the two people that are shown here playing tennis in this here photo-mo-graph.

Look at that pool would ya? It was still pretty cold. I got in it once to retrieve the top of a cocktail shaker. That's how much I care about cocktails.

As you can see... my topiary is coming on pretty well.

This is what Diem did pretty much the whole time. Whether she was eating, sleeping, watching the TV, drinking, sunbathing, playing tennis, walking... she always sat.

Here's Diem walking away after I made a comment she was lazy.

7) Fire Island (June)

Fire Island is this beach area off the South of Long Island, and is a quick train ride across from Manhattan. You can see it on a map here if you can be arsed.

Miles and miles of deserted sand. Except for those annoying people that wouldn't get out of the photo...

This was the view of the harbour from the restaurant we nommed clams, prawns, sea bass, salad, bread, ingredients, beer, fine wines, cake, orangutans, etc.. What a perfect end to a perfect day (not like the one Lou Reed sung about, which was slightly depressing). ZomMMGGG!@@!!

8) Standard Grille (June)

With the big bro in town we decided to the following... Eat, drink, walk, drink, walk, eat, drink.... and repeat. This was one of the places we ate at. Darren and Ben shared a huge plate of steak. After they'd finished it, they were so happy with themselves that they had to hi-5. I decided to take a photo of this momentous moment.... but decided not to document the following momentous moments of harrowing meat sweats, stomach cramps and uncontrollable flatulence. ROlffflllf!!@

To be continued....

What's happened in the last 5 monthzzzz (April - May)....

2010-08-26T14:00:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, I'm back. But... Where have I been??????

I know you don't really give a rat'sA$$, but hey... here is a quick run down as to what has happened in the time I have been offline and actually doing something with my life (apart from pulling my pud).

1) Visited my good friends Ross and Verity in San Francisco (April)

The Golden Girls Bridge

Wine tasting in Sonoma

One of those streets that's, like, TOTALLY steep so you think.. "Oh gawd... I'm gonna totally fall down that street, or get a cramp walking up it, or some bouncy balls will fly past me advertising a Telly or something..."

Ross has been a Vegetarian since he was a sperm. As He's expecting his first child with lovely wife "The Belch", he decided it was time to be a healthy NORMAL person and eat meat. I wanted to be there to witness it. He ordered a fillet Steak, medium... and nommed it down proper like.. AND he didn't shit himself!

He also he said that he felt stronger than 10 Tigers, or when 'Bravestar' went and shouted "Strength of the Bear" and got really strong for 5 mins or so. The ideal outcome. OMGFGGZzzzz@@!

2) Went to see "The Specials" at Terminal 5 (April)

Here are The Specials on stage. They did a bunch of songs and even played their own instruments! I made sure I fitted in with the crowd of ageing Rude Boys, by wearing a hat, rolling up my jeans, and acting like a complete C*NT. Lozlzzlzlrofll

3) Visiting Boston with Pops (May)

Here's Pops nomming some CHOWDER which was served in a massive hollowed out roll, along with a range of crudites and some MORE bread. He scoffed it down and went back for seconds... that's how much it rocked!

This is where they buried the people that the British killed at the "Boston Massacre". I felt partly responsible, especially as I had my foot on the neck of a dirty mick when I took this photo.

We went whale watching and got a right old show. Here are some humpback whales. We also saw some dolphins, some seagulls, and a condom. Zommg!!!

4) Baseball at CitiField (May)

Here is the one point of the game where the sun came out. And that was the highlight for me. BORING. Oh.. and the Shack Burger. Oh, and Neil not getting served beer because he didn't have a US, or MILITARY ID. Neil didn't tell them he used to be a tail gunner... GRUFFOL!!@!

To be continued.....

poertyzzzz (Part 19)

2010-08-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

Hosepipes (By Iain Barrington-Light Aged 31 3/4)

Some use hosepipes to wash their car

Or clean the streets outside their bar

To water the garden, to put out a fire

And cool themselves off when they perspire

But others might seem this rather harsh

As I prefer to stick one up my arse

And wash away the years of excess

in a partial state of undress

Red meat, caviar, chops and cheek

Fois grois, liver, paté and beak

All will be gone, poured down the drain

with no loss of comfort or tinge of pain

And then you feel like you're reborn

The food has gone, no time to mourn

It's straight to your local eating den

to fill your lower bowel up again!

Fin

poertyzzzz (Part 18)

2010-04-14T15:25:00.000-07:00

Ode to Paté (By Iain Barrington-Light Aged 31 1/2)

Paté you are a mystery to me

of what your contents could quite be

Arsehole? Lips? Eyelids? Ears?

The finest spice, and Jesus's tears?

That fine brown paste that spreads so sweet

on toast, french stick, sour doe or wheat

or served with a salad and some pickles

if you want to get your tonsils tickled

But when does Paté become a Terrine?

Is it constancy, or inclusion of cream?

And then there's Galantine to add to the list

Normally cylindrical, a novel twist

I love you Paté, I don't care what's inside

Because of the pleasure that you provide

You are meat in a paste, which I don't have to chew

You go in and come out both looking like poo

Fin

Tropicalzzz

2010-03-24T05:26:00.000-07:00

There is a place near me which is probs one of my favourite places in the neighbourhood. It has everything a man (or woman) could want. It's called 'Tropical' and it's a little pool hall / bar on the cusp of China Town.

There are so many good things about this place that it's hard to fit it all into one ENTRY.. but here goes...

1) They have actually tried to make the bar look like a tropical paradise with a boardwalk on the way in, plastic palm trees and water features left, right and centre, but they are all falling to bits.

2) There is a fish tank separating the bar and the toilet, so if you look through the fish tank you can actually see someone sitting on the throne. Those poor poor fish. I know they have a 5 second memory but they must have had some very traumatic 5 seconds.

3) The juke-box downloads any tune you want from the internet superhighway. So.. you can get any tune you want. BUT, if you don't select any music it reverts to a playlist of vocodered hip-hop and R&B played at ear-splitting volume.. and one song from the 1990s, by the 'lords of Acid" called "HARD SEX"

4) There is always a huge group of Asians at one of the tables gambling and having an argument about gambling. But luckily the "Hard Sex" song is playing so loudly, you can't actually hear them.

5) Finally... to fit in with the Tropical theme, they have a tropical menu... Chicken wings, burger, ermmm nachos... and when you're in there the deep fat fryer smell permeates your clothes right through to your skin, making you smell DELICIOUS.

So.... anyone for a game of pool? LOLZzzzzz

Sunny Dayzz

2010-03-20T05:12:00.000-07:00

It was such a beautiful day on Saturday that I decided to do a walk along the West Pathway which runs all the way from the tip to the foot of Manhattan.

Apparently these wooden posts you can see are remnants of a pier that used to be located here. I hope it was as much fun as Brighton Pie(r) with all of the wonders and enchantment that held (penny falls, a rubbish ghost train and Jim Davidson making a range of racist jokes to an audience of mental old people). It's times like these I just get a little sentimental and homesick. ;-) Rowfawlz

Ralph NYzzzz

2010-03-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

So it's finally happened. The first two team members started at Ralph this week. The NY office has finally become a real office with real people and real computer equipment (typewriters).

This is a double edged sword for me. On one hand it means we are growing, it's going well and I have other MEN to bond with... but on the other hand I can no longer work in my pants. Do any of my readers (Dad) have similar dilemmas in their life? Answers on a postcard to Ralph NY, New York, NY, 10018. Please include a SAO. Many thanks. ZomMgGG!!@!!!!

Uncle Iain (for the 5th time)

2010-03-18T08:25:00.000-07:00

Today I became an uncle for the 5th time. My brother Paul and his good lady wife Shree made a new baby boy called Riley (by holding hands and loving each other very much). Riley Andrew Barrington-Light to be precise. Congratulations to them both... and good luck for the 2 years of wiping a dirty bot-bot (makes a change from wiping Paul's I suppose).

But the most upsetting thing about this whole affair is that both of my brothers have proved their fertility on more than one occasion. Unfortunately it's not possible to get a Kleenex preggers... so I have yet to prove my stature as a real man. One day maybe... when I finally figure out how to use my 'special purpose'. Lolzzzzzz OMfGllaazzz

Pet Dogzzz

2010-03-10T09:15:00.000-08:00

Those who know me know that I've wanted a dog for a while. Specifically a Pug, called Zeus. But those who know me also know what a serious lack of responsibility I possess. I mean... inanimate objects that don't need feeding or watering die on me....like a toaster... so the chances of me returning home from a 3 week jaunt in Malibu and finding a 'Pug shaped skeleton' stood by my front door is pretty likely.

With that in mind I decided to get a stuffed dog with 'Love' written on the side of it which also sits on your shoulder. I admit... it does look pretty gay, and there is a high chance of it setting on fire once I get it home... but hey at least I'm not up to me ears in IAMs and dog truffles.

PDTzzzz

2010-03-09T08:57:00.000-08:00

There's this bar right, on St.Marks between 1st and Ave A, in the East Village where you walk into a hotdog takeaway place, and then into a phone box within that hotdog takeaway place, and then pick up the phone and buzz the buzzer, and someone lets you through into a secret bar called 'Please Don't Tell'.

It's all supposed to be a big secret.. but the guys visiting from the UK read about it in Virgin's inflight magazine. Shhhhhh... keep it under your HAT. Oh.. and the bogs have loads of cracked mirror on the walls, so I took a photo init.

Botanical Gardens, Brookylnzzz

2010-03-08T08:18:00.000-08:00

Spring has finally sprung in New York. People are smiling again. The amount of hipsters wearing oversized sunglasses has returned to its normal excessive level.... and little flowers are rearing their tiny heads out of the ground.

I took a walk round The Botanical Gardens in Prospect Park and witnessed exactly that. I also took a photo. Unfortunately I couldn't get a hipster to stand next to a flower. But still.... isn't it purdy?

Brooklyn Zoooozzz

2010-03-07T08:08:00.000-08:00

In a hunt to try and find the Botanical Gardens in Prospect Park, Brooklyn, I unwittingly stumbled across Brooklyn Zoo. Since I was there I thought "what the heck" and went in.

They boasted numerous rare and endangered species including 'owls', 'emus' and 'a goat'. Most of the animals I wanted to see (eg: everyones favourite marsupial 'The Kangaroo') were actually in storage due to it being winter. So it was more like walking round looking at animal enclosures.

The good news is they did have a cage that you could get in and have your photo taken. The sign above the cage reads "The world's most dangerous animal: MAN". Actually I think every zoo has one of those. I reckon the guy that invented those made a crap load of money and spent it all on going round culling rare animals, just to prove the point that his cage invention was correct (and in turn he could probably sell a job lot more). You reckon this is what the song "The Circle of Life" is about? ZoMmgg!!@!

Poertyzzzz (Part 17)

2010-03-04T14:27:00.000-08:00

"Ode to Facebook" (By Iain B-L Aged 11 1/2)

I bloody love Facebook, it completes my life

If I could marry Facebook, I'd make it my wife

It's the best place ever to make new mates

To stalk a girl and organise dates

To update your status with "just took a dump"

To join a group called "My cock is a stump"

To catch up with friends you don't even know

To upload photos of your babies big toe

You can comment on posts and say 'you like'

You can wish Happy Birthday to someone called Mike

You can poke him and send him a virtual gift

And tag him in a photo, getting blown in a lift

But without my Facebook, where would I be?

Without a friend total of four hundred and three.

I think I would kill myself, which would be a real shitter

but not if I let people know first on Twitter.... Zomgg!@!

Flirting in the Gymzzz

2010-03-01T13:18:00.000-08:00

So... last night I was down the gym right.... and I got on the treadmill and embarked on a 5 mile run. Just as I am finishing with a sprint and looking very much like I'm about to pass out, Miss Claire Danes (of Hollywood fame) steps up to me and asks if she can go on my treadmill... even though the two either side of me are free. So... I sort of try and string together a funny quip like "sure.. I'm about to die anyway".

So I leave.. do a bit of bike action, then stretch, then walk up to the elliptical near where she is still on the treadmill.. give her a smile, she smiles back. Then... I get working out on the old elliptical.. and who should come and get on the machine next to mine? Yes.. you guessed right.. Claire Danes. It's OBVIOUS she's got a THING....This is in NO WAY a coincidence...

OMFG just imagine if we get together, and then she finds this blog and reads it and then gets all like "You're such a DOUCHE, I hate you".. and then she dumps me, but then I do some overblown, romantic gesture to prove how much I love her and that I was wrong to post this post on my blog, and then she forgives me, and we get married and appear on the front cover of Hello!, and sell our pictures for about $600,000, and we take that cash and buy a helicopter and then crash it into the Hudson and DIE TOGETHER. Imagine that.

Harlem - Billie's Black Barzzzz

2010-02-28T19:19:00.001-08:00

At the end of my arduous walk up central park I decided to find a bar in Harlem to lick my wounds, have a celebratory drink and take in some of the local atmos. I whipped out the ol' iPhone and googled 'bars in this area'. Up popped "Billie's Black Bar" on 119th and 8th. It sounded exciting.. esp for a honky like me.

So, in I walk.. get myself 2 fingers of sippin' whisky, and sit next to an old timer at the bar who was drifting in and out of consciousness. Then nature called and I made my way to the restroom.... only to be greeted by various 'erotic' photos. This is a selection of the finest. The 1970s Playboy afro-girl, the Madonna-esque toe licker / foot fetish dude... and my personal favourite... 'Tits and sea'. Simplicity is key here... just some tits, with the sea behind.

I aksed whether I could buy it off them, but they said "They just don't make tits like that anymore"... furrymuff... ZOMG>..

Reservoir Cenny P

2010-02-28T15:30:00.000-08:00

It's rare to see an open expanse of space on Manhattan.... and this is probably to most breathtaking. The Jackie Onassis Reservoir in Central Park. It was frozen over and the light was kinda special looking back across to midtown. Enjoy.

Inappropriate footwear

2010-02-27T19:16:00.000-08:00

These are the shoes I wore on my treck. They don't have much purchase on the snow, but they sure as hell looked cool (as I slipped over for the 5th time)

Cenny Pzzzz in the snow

2010-02-27T19:08:00.000-08:00

Weekends... a time to get out and about, experience life, meet new people, embrace life etc. Not me, I like to stay in my apartment, board up the windows and sit in the corner of the room switching a lamp on, then off, then on, humming slightly off-tune for 5 hours.

But this weekend I thought, darn it... I'm going to get outside.. do something New York. So I decided to venture up to Cenny P and walk the whole distance of the park from 59th to 110th. Then maybe get mugged in Harlem and have to walk back with no shoes.

I did take some photos along the way including some kids sliding down the hill on toboggans, a dog that was frozen stiff, and some purdgy trees. Ain't it purdy y'all? It Suuuuuureee is. lolzzzzz

English Banquet @ Great Barrington's Famous Cock & Bull

2010-02-26T18:59:00.000-08:00

Had a total of 7 people round to my miniature gaff on Friday evening... all in the pursuit of introducing their unrefined palettes to fine British Cuisine. I know what your thinking... Is there such a thing as 'fine British Cuisine"... one word... yes there is you bell.

So I rustled up a 7 course banquet featuring some of the greats: Black pudding, scotch eggs, pigs in blankets, onion soup with cheddar croutons, homemade fish cakes, rack of lamb with roast spuds, carrots and parsnips, homemade clotted cream scones, and finally Eton Mess. It took me about 2 hours to cook it all, but at the end of the evening everyone seemed to have changed their racist opinion of British food being dogdirt... well that was until they experienced severe bladder pain, rickets, trench-foot, gout and consumption in the morning. ZOMMGGG!!@@!!!!

SNOMAGEDDON 2

2010-02-25T08:04:00.000-08:00

Newzzzflash... OMF... it's happened AGAIN. Snow fell in NYC. It really hindered my life this time. Not only did it take me ages to get anywhere in my inappropriate footwear, it also meant "The Gayest Christmas Pageant EVER" club was closed. What is a boy to do?

Dog Spinningzzz

2010-02-21T15:09:00.000-08:00

Did my first spinning class.. for charity. You sit on a bike that doesn't go anywhere... whilst they play pumping house music and flash the lights.. and you bead like you've never beaded before... and your legs feel like they're going to actually catch fire. The charity was for abandoned dogs. Here's a Dog Spinning

Om Nommmm Pancakezzzz

2010-02-20T13:57:00.000-08:00

Cooked some Pancakes this morning. With some bacon (pronounced BAH-con.. because if you ask someone in wholefoods where the bacon is, they point you to the BAKING... like bread, cakes etc... because of my ridiculous accent). I felt like that bloke off "ello! ello!".. which was kind of funny because I did end up 'pissing by the window'! LOLZZzzzzzzz!@!

SNL Studiozzzz

2010-02-16T14:02:00.000-08:00

Spent the day filming in the Saturday Night Live studios in the Rockefella Centre... which was hhhhwwwwicked.... until Gregfast tried to blow it up with an oversized fake BOMB... OMFGG!@@!!

But the best thing about it was this: NBC Universal run a tour of their studios and one of the stops on said tour is the SNL studio..... which contained us arsing around ALOT... and swearing ALOT. At one point I'm certain I saw a little girl cry, mother put her hands over her ears whilst the father shook his fist. I flipped the bird back which made Mother cry... Should charge an extra $2 on the ticket price for that sort of EDU-tainment... ROLFASSS@!!!@@

snowboaringzzzz at Great Barrington

2010-02-14T14:55:00.000-08:00

Whilst up in CT, we decided to pop across into MA for a spot of snow boarding. Coolest thing was that the ski resort (Butter-nut) was located in a town called "Great Barrington".

Because of this I decided to visit the local castle and claim it as my own. They told me to get bent. Charming... I mean.. you go home after all these years and you think that the locals would be celebrating "the return of the prodigal son", but they just assembled a mob, lit torches, collected pitch forks and chased me out of my own town! Heathens.

Oh.. boarding was ok.. although I have a fear of children after last trip. Probably a good thing for a man with my tendencies (JOKE)!!!@@!!!!!!

Connecticutzzzz

2010-02-13T14:48:00.000-08:00

The C-Crew got together for a jaunt up to CT for the weekend... but this time it was cold and snowy. So no tennis.

But... we did replace one healthy, sporting activity with another.... we stayed in and ate cheese and drank red wine for 3 days. Now.. I'm no dietician... but I'm sure that supplies me with my 5 a day, all the vital food groups, and my daily intake of nancid and riboflavin. Super...

Marc's Almondzzz

2010-02-11T14:30:00.000-08:00

Turns out Marc Almond has finally given up his "pie-in-the-sky" dream of being a pop-star, and gone back to his roots, working on his Almond farm in Valencia. Let's hope he hasn't added his 'secret recipe' to this packet (5 pints of jizzzzauuuu). Lolzzzzz

DBGBzzzz

2010-02-10T14:40:00.000-08:00

Went to this restaurant called DBGBs. It's on Houston and Bowery and specialises in sausage. Normally when you say somewhere is a "sausage-fest" it means that there are a lot of men in the room.. like "Bloody Nora, it's a bit of a sausage fest in 'ere... let's go and check out Edwards... might be some blart in there"

.... BUT this is a sausage-fest in a good way. They have 9 different types of sausage on the menu, from kabanos to blood sausage... and they taste damn good. They also have cool wallpaper in the bogs.. which has a range of utensils used to create sausage. Not sure if I've said sausage enough in this post. SAUSAGE!

Physicalzzz

2010-02-09T14:05:00.000-08:00

Went to the gym for my physical Monday night. They basically ask you questions about your life, your habits, how much you pleasure yourself etc, then they attach a calliper to various parts of your flab, bully you into doing push-ups, then you run until you feel faint, and finally you cage-fight "Master-Blaster" from 'Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome'.

I did alright tho. I'm 18% fat.. which is pretty wicked. I'm like humus. I always wanted to be like humus.

Superb Owl Partyzzzz

2010-02-07T14:18:00.000-08:00

Held a Superb Owl party on Sunday. Made Nachos. Drunk Beer.

I still don't get American Football though. I mean... I do GET it.. but I don't get it. The sport is just a filler between the commercials... and nothing happens long enough for you to get into it. I prefer a game you can go to sleep during, wake up 10 mins later, and nothing has happened. That's my kinda sport. Crown-green bowls... golf..... and maybe curling... except the HOT scottish Olympic team put a stop to that. Couldn't keep my eyes off the screen. Hubba hubba etc.

Cheese on Toastzzz

2010-02-06T18:42:00.000-08:00

When it's cold, and I mean NY cold.. when the wind manages to remove the skin from your bones until you feel like He-man's arch-nemesis Skeletor.. there is only one thing that can sort you out for lunch. Cheese on toast. Om.. and I believe... Nom Nom.

Tennizzz

2010-02-05T13:22:00.000-08:00

Going up to Connecticut next weekend.. and looking forward to a bit of tennis (weather permitting). Quite excited about it. So excited infact, that I drew a picture of someone playing tennis. Naked. ROFL!!!@!!!@!!!!@@!!!@!!

Featured Blogzz

2010-02-04T16:08:00.000-08:00

This week.. it's MAD CAT WOMAN! YES.. She has some cats. YES.. She has lots of pictures of other cats. YES.. She has a blog about cats. YES.. She likes cartoons about cats. YES.. she has a dynamic "cat-clock" on the right-handside of the blog. YES... You could probably make a pussy joke but I'm going to refrain....

This is the link you've ALL been waiting for: http://mysiberiankitties.blogspot.com

No Boozingzzz

2010-02-03T12:35:00.001-08:00

To coordinate with my 'Gym membership' I have also decided to go cold turkey for a week. No booze must passeth thy lips. It's been bloody rubbs so far and I'm only three days in. All I can think about is sweet, sweet booze.

I am also running out of things to do that don't involve booze. I've been to the gym, been to a gallery, I'm going to the cinema, and even considering going to a poetry reading because they drink coffee at those. Maybe I'll just start smoking crack instead. That doesn't harm your liver right?

Joining a GYMzzzz

2010-02-01T12:21:00.000-08:00

I have decided to join a gym. I'm not hugely overweight per se... just got a little podgy over the xmas period by eating an excess of cheese, butter, bread and meat. I don't regret a single moment though. Probably the best two weeks of my life.

So.. I have plumped for Equinox in Soho. Here they provide you with a person training session. My first session is pencilled in for next Monday. I'm pretty worried they're going to call me "fatty fat fat" and poke me with a 'fat-stick' causing me to cry and/or wet myself. Or issue a severe towel whipping. Either way it should be fun... I'll let you know how it all goes.... unless they don't have internet access in fat-camp. Lolzz!@@!!!!

Flying Back from LAzzzz

2010-01-27T12:13:00.000-08:00

I came back from LA on a pretty clear night and decided to take some snaps out of the window. Didn't come out as well as expected, but it's pretty cool to see Brooklyn / Long Island all lit up.

Also passed the time whilst the campest flight attendant EVER who was saying things like "The big man up front has flicked the seatbelt sign on, so if y'all could get back snug in your seats, that would be just fabulous".... question I have is how did he know the man upfront was big? ZOMG!@@!!

Airplane Wifizzzz

2010-01-26T18:40:00.000-08:00

How futuristic is this? Video chatting with Hassell at 33,000ft! And it only costs you $12 (and the $350 for the Virgin America plane ticket of course).

We had a giggle though. Just imagine being on video chat as the plane went down and typing in.... "WTF?!?!!!? ARGHHHH, ARGGHHHH Lolz ROFL.. BRB". Luckily it was a very safe, comfortable, and non-crashing flight. Super.

Snowboaringzzzz

2010-01-25T14:21:00.000-08:00

Went up to Windham Mountain (hill) which is up North somewhere in NY State to do a bit of the ol' snowboarding. I was pre-warned that the snow was going to be rubbs, and that there would be ice everywhere, and there would only be two runs, and the chairlifts would be packed, and snipers would be hidden behind snow drifts and take potshots at you, meaning you had to dodge small children, trees, and a barrage of bullets with the occasional grenade thrown in for good measure... but in actual-fact I was pleasantly surprised.

The snow was good, the weather was bright sunshine and blue skies, and the slopes weren't too packed.... and not a sniper in sight. It was all going so well until the last run where I was flying down to the bottom of the slope and suddenly BAM....

...Something flew into the back of me, knocking me off my feet and unconscious for a good 3 seconds. Eventually I came round, trying to figure out what huge force could of catapulted me from my sturdy posture? Trying to sit up and gasping for words and air, I noticed a small child smiling at me. Was it the Baby Jesus himself welcoming me into heaven? No.. it was the child that had knocked me off my board. A seven year-old. And I had head-butted his helmet and passed out. To add insult to injury they even made the poor child apologise.

It look me a while to gain my balance and bearings again, but once I had, I removed my board and stumbled down to the bar to lick my head wounds and massive skull trauma. Just image if that's the way it had ended. Killed on the slopes by a small child. Well....it's the way Gary Glitter would have wanted to go... ZOMG!@!!!

FIsh Piezzz

2010-01-21T13:03:00.000-08:00

Made a fish pie last night. It contained three types of fish. White fish, pink fish and small shrimp fish.

Did pretty well with injuries as well. Normally when I cook, I have a wee drinky... like Floyd or Stein. You know.. just the one.... bottle. So.. my knife skillz get a bit lackadaisical and the fear of burning hot objects escapes my mind. This time I only gained one self-inflicted knife wound on my hand (that I don't even remember doing), and three burns to my right arm. But, you know what they say... You can't bake a fish pie without permanent scarring.

Scotch Eggzzz

2010-01-20T09:23:00.000-08:00

Went to the Breslin. It's part of the 'Ace Hotel'. One of the lads ordered a scotch egg. It arrived. It was warm and when it was divided into 4, we discovered that the yolk was still runny.

I know this is a sweeping statement, but I don't think life gets better than that. Well.. if they had some brown sauce to go with it, and it was served on a tray which was strapped to the head of a monkey that was also playing some miniature cymbals, and was on a leash, and holding that leash was Jessica Alba, before she got all married and pregnant, and she was interested in what I had to say. But I'm just happy with the scotch egg to be honest... so I took a photo.

Penzzzz

2010-01-19T09:32:00.000-08:00

Pens! Pens! Pens! Get your pens here. Call toll free, simply go to www.pens.com, fax the word 'PEN' to 1-800-pen, text PEN followed by the number of pens you want to 88PEN, or write PEN on the back of a napkin using a PEN and throw it in the air, and you will receive your pen or pens direct for heaven. It just couldn't be easier to buy pens!

Featured Blogzz "Aryan family"

2010-01-16T09:36:00.000-08:00

I think I have discovered what the whole 'master race' thing was about. This week's featured blog.... a family of 5 blonde children. Here's a photo of them. I mean... blonde children are cute and all... but when you get 5 of them they sort of look like an evil midget army ready to take the dark-hairs by storm. Like the one from Harry Potter.. but times 5. And more evil. And more blonde.

http://sometimeswedo.blogspot.com/

Free Penzzz

2010-01-13T05:56:00.001-08:00

Went down to my mail box this morning, and what should I find? An special offer from "The National Pen Company" based out of Shellbyville. They've got a pen sale on! Save! Save! Save!

So... this surprised me somewhat. Not only did I think that Shellbyville was a fictional town from 'The Simpsons', but I also can't believe the low low prices they're offering pens for. 100 Pens @ 39c each! Unbelievable! All this time I've been paying over the odds for pens!

They also sent me my own personalised pen to sweeten the deal. Yes.. my name is now Barrington Light Iain. ZOMGG!±!!@@@

Free Taintzzz

2010-01-12T06:04:00.000-08:00

Here is a bottle of wine I got given. It was from Jake... one of the guys I share an office with. I'm scared to drink it though. It's far to close to 'Taint" for my liking. Who wants to drink someone else's taint? Not me! Not until I come home in a drunken stupor that is! Oooooffff NAO!

The Plaguezzz

2010-01-05T05:52:00.000-08:00

Air conditioning on planes makes you sick. Fact. I've got a cold, a cold sore, a bleeding nose and am generally a very broken man. They should pump in olbas oil, serve lemsips instead of tea and coffee, and only server chicken soup for every meal. That is the only way to combat the spread of disease. That and wearing a full bubble suit. Lolzzzz

Gee Whizzzz

2010-01-04T16:54:00.000-08:00

Whilst on the subject of Airplanes, the flight back was a bloody joke. You get the full security pat down and genital cupping at both the normal security area, and also at the gate. Which means it takes about 2 hours to get everyone through. Then, they de-ice the wings when everyone has sat down. Something that probably could have been done whilst they were inserting 3 fingers up some poor chaps bumhole to look for weapons of mass destruction. To do this they had to turn off the air conditioning which meant people started to get proper bead on.

I got served the worst meal I've ever eaten on a plane. It was supposed to be 'chilli-prawns' but the 'prawns' literally disintegrated on my fork. It was like they'd been searched by airport security which had removed any internal structure to their form.

Then.... the final insult. They told everyone in the plane at the same time that they should probably use the bogs in the next 20 mins as you have to remain seated for the last hour of the flight. That was fun. A stampede of old gimmers pegged it towards the bogs, elbowing, tearing each other's eyes out, ripping off piss-sacks. It was bedlam.

Then, after a good hour of circling over JFK we finally landed. Next time I'm taking the QE2... heck..... I'd even settle for a P&O ferry. ZOMGGG!!!!@!!!

Back to the homesteadzzz

2010-01-03T10:07:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow I fly back to New York. Pretty excited about it as I think I left the iron on. ZOmg!!@!!!

Featured Blogzz "cookie crazie"

2010-01-02T06:42:00.000-08:00

This week's Featured Blog is "Cookie Crazie". So 'crazy' in fact that 'crazy' has to be spelt 'crazie'. I would have plumped for 'crayzeeee' myself, but maybe I'm slightly more 'crazy' than Pam.

Pam from Missouri is a prolific cookie decorator. I've never seen so many cookies in my life. What I want to know is who eats all of the cookies? Is there one massive man that she keeps upstairs in a massive king-sized bed... with a crudely crafted conveyor belt that she places the cookies on, and a constant stream of them travel up through a trap door and directly into his mouth? Is he the one that is cookie crazie? or is it she... the one that can't stop making cookies? Maybe it's a collaboration of both of them, or her cookie craziness has sent him slowly cookie crazie. Who knows..

...the only thing that is certain is that this is the link http://cookiecrazie.blogspot.com/

New Years Evezzz

2010-01-01T03:55:00.000-08:00

NYE 2009?... it could have been 2008, 2007 or 2005, you still do the same thing...

Drink, sing along to Journey, tie balloons to people's limbs, pop party poppers, dance around like an idiot etc..... then eventually nature runs its course and David falls asleep on a sofa. Then we search for permanent markers and draw cocks on his face, take photos and prod him. Then the bouncers try and throw him out and we explain that this is normal. And then they throw us all out.

Happy New Year!

Back to Londonzzzzz (again and again)

2009-12-31T03:45:00.000-08:00

My visit to the countryside is now complete and I am returning back to London for NYE. I have been back to St.Ives, Warboys and Cambridge and now it is time to return to where the streets are paved with turds.

It has been a lovely family xmas and I have received numerous gifts, eaten numerous meats and cheeses, drunk copious amounts of booze, and fallen asleep at many inappropriate times during the day. So it's time to say goodbye to 2009, "The year of the Stoat" and bring in 2010.... "The year of the Lesser Spotted Grebe". Smell you on the other side!!@!!!!

Explosivezzzzz

2009-12-30T03:32:00.000-08:00

So....I'm glad that a nice young man decided to sew explosives into his clothes and try and blow himself up in a jet over Detroit. This means that my trip back to NYC should be a pleasant jaunt through security, without having my shoes, clothes and luggage inspected, cupping of the genitals, and maybe, maybe if I'm lucky, two fingers up the bung hole.

As usual 'Total Recall' has predicted the future. Soon we'll walk behind huge X-Ray walls and only be able to go on holiday for the duration of two weeks.... twoooooo weekks... Twwwooooooooo Weeeeeeeeasassak. Lolzzzz!!

Playing in the parkzzz

2009-12-29T03:16:00.000-08:00

No family Christmas would be complete without family. My eldest Brother came over to my Mother's house with family in tow. It was such a lovely day (and I hadn't moved from the sofa in 3 days) that we thought it would be nice to take a walk to the park.

Here are a few photos from the excursion, including my Nephew Jake at the front door of his new house, and the whole family on the see-saw (or teeter-totter or whatever Americans call it). With all the walking and playing I think I might have burned off enough calories to justify eating another wheel of cheese.... NAO.....Om nommorific!

Om nomnomnomzzzz

2009-12-28T03:10:00.000-08:00

Well....I really do feel like a food processing machine at the moment. I wake up, have a cup of coffee, poop... mill around and chat to various relatives and friends, sit down for lunch, shove food in my face, mill around, talk to more relatives and friends, sit down for dinner, shove some more food in my face... drink, drink some more. Go to bed, wake up, repeat.

Up the arse cornerzzzz

2009-12-27T04:23:00.000-08:00

Was looking through my Mother's Christmas cards, and noticed this one. It's a definate contender for the "Up the arse corner" website.

Just look at the nonchalant expression of the giver, and the gaze of satisfaction from the taker. Far from festive in my opinion, but I suppose the winters are long there, and with the women away.... any port in a storm... etc. OMG!ZZZzz!!@!!!

Boxing Dayzzz

2009-12-26T10:07:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd stay true to English Tradition this year and go 10-pin bowling on Boxing day. A drive up to the local lanes at the Lakeside Lodge in Pidley, Cambridgeshire was in order, along with a £3 pint of Guinness and a pack of Scampi Fries.

I must say I was having a jolly good time, until the Father of the group in the next lane let off the worst noxious, pungent cloud of gas from his blowhole. The aftermath was only comparable to a pyroclastic flow destroying everything in its path. It shorted the electrics, killed the plants and knocked down all 10 pins giving him a well deserved strike. How we laughed!

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T09:55:00.000-08:00

Today is Christmas Day! I will be mostly drinking champagne, eating cheese, and watching the Queen's Speech... oh and falling asleep with a little bit of food still in my mouth.

Merry Xmas everyone!

Christmas Eve

2009-12-24T09:43:00.000-08:00

I opened my first present today... a gift from secret santa.

To my surprise it was a desk calendar simply entitled "Guinea Pig Games 2010". The premise consists of two guinea pigs 'mid-pose' playing various sports.

It is a work of art, and I have attached an image of the roller-blading image to give you a wee taste. I didn't think it was possible to make roller-blading look any gayer than it does in real life... but somehow they've managed it... and I salute them! The one on the left also look pretty worried about how he's going to land... and who stole his bumbag (fanny-pack).

Buy yours here. ZOMGGA!!@@!!

Christmas (Part 2)

2009-12-23T09:38:00.000-08:00

Itsu Dynamite Vegetable Dumpling Soup and Edamame. May look like peelings, offcuts, and sweepings floating in warm water, but it tastes wicked and is the perfect cure for my losing-my-mind-hungover-slightly-jetlagged-crippled state.

Christmas (Part 1)

2009-12-22T09:24:00.000-08:00

I landed back in the UK at 9am this morning, after a sweaty 6 hours on the plane. Luckily there were only minor delays in spite of all the snow that's fallen in the UK.

After a paltry 2 hours sleep on the plane, I had to go straight into the office to write up a document, say hi to the guys, and also check that they hadn't moved office without letting me know (believe me, this actually happened once when our office got Ram-Raided whilst I was on Holiday)... but everything was fantastic apart from the state of my desk (see above).

There's even a toilet roll on the desk which suggests the new occupier might not even vacate the area when purging dark matter. Lazy lazy bastard.

Back to LonDONzzzzz (again)

2009-12-21T09:10:00.000-08:00

I fly back to London for Christmas today. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, but not looking forward to leaving my apartment free for the squatters to move in. That's my I've hired my very own squatter to temporarily squat in my absence.

His name is Colin, and he's a Law Student at NYU. His interests include fine food, opera, wearing blazers complete with matching blazer badge and tie pin, and drinking mentholated spirits. He also snuck into the hospital the other day and necked a whole bottle of hand sanitizer, which, to be fair, made his breath a lot more agreeable. Oh Colin, you crazy vagabond!!!! WTttttFF@@@£!!@@!!Zomg!@@@!

Karaokezzzz (again and again and again)

2009-12-20T09:01:00.000-08:00

Due to my Brother being in town again, we decided to replicate the last Karaoke experience we had at '2nd & 2nd' in the East Village. This time they didn't bloody know what hit them. There were 5 of us, and 4 of those were British. We even stuck to British songs such as "Band Aid: Feed the world", "Letter from America", and "Just Like Heaven".

My brother wanted to sing "Mr Blobby" by Mr Blobby, but they haven't heard of Noel's House party OR Crinkly Bottom over here. Maybe it's time to buy the box-set on VHS and educate them... the poor, poor swines. LOLZZZAAZZZZZZ

First snowzzzz

2009-12-19T09:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday brought some serious snowfall to NYC. We had about 8" in 14 hours (most women would LOVE those odds - ding dong etc). It made the streets look very festive indeed, and was a great excuse to get in the local bar and stay in the local bar.

My Brother is in town, so on the way back we proceeded to have a snowball fight on the street, getting a couple of randoms involved too. And I did a snow angel... (or did a drunken stumble and whilst I was down there thought I'd make it look intentional).

2 sleeps before the return to London. See ya'll soon.

Ralph NY Xmas Partyzzz

2009-12-18T16:41:00.000-08:00

Ralph London celebrated their Christmas party on Friday. I was not able to attend due to living in another country (and my invitation being printed off, screwed up, set on fire and lost in the post). So I decided to get the boyz from the office together and have an 'Orphan's Chrimbo Party".

In the true style of an 'Orphan's Christmas Party' we spent the first 2 hours going up to the windows of various New York Town houses, and staring in on a scene of perfect family harmony.

A beautifully decorated tree, a table full of Christmas tidings with all of the trimmings, a roaring fire, Mother and Father wearing matching Christmas sweaters, laughing whilst rubbing noses, and a little boy and girl opening presents such as a wooden rocking horse and a spinning top, maybe a doll's house too. And they're probably drinking egg nog or some shit like that.

After that, we went out and got pissed. Here's a photo of 5 pints. They were all for me. Happy Holidayzzz!!!! OMFGazzzzzz

Baywatchzzzz

2009-12-17T16:51:00.000-08:00

I had a dream about Baywatch last night. I'm not going to go into huge detail, but it involved a lot of running. Mainly women running. Mainly away from me. Tragic when dreams slip into reality. Zomggg...

Santazzzz (part 2)

2009-12-16T16:34:00.000-08:00

I was sent this picture by my friend Tom who works for the damn paparazzo. He suggested that this was Santa, and he spent his free time cutting lawns using a sit-on mower and petting budgies. Oh and he's also a naturist by the looks of it.

I actually had to cover up the genital region because the word chode springs to mind, and also he's managed to get his beans above his frank. Oh Santa! Looks like you've been naughty this year. Ooops!. ROLFASSSZZ

Merry Xmazzzz

2009-12-15T10:01:00.000-08:00

Merry Xmas to all of my friends and family. I have did this just for you (I didn't... it was for our clients)

It highlights my favourite part of the holiday season... the Chrimbo party. Enjoy...

http://www.ralphandco.com/xmas2009/

Amazon.comzzz

2009-12-14T08:14:00.000-08:00

As usual I am extremely lazy when it comes to Christmas shopping, and this year is no exception. I sat on my tooshie and prodded at buttons on the internet in order to make the goods come to me. It still amazes me why people actually go out and hand-pick stuff for people, when I can press a big "random gift" button and everyone gets exactly what they want and/or need.

Like this gift I ordered for my nephew. Lolzzz

Fantastic Mr Foxzzz

2009-12-13T11:10:00.000-08:00

Went to the pictures to see Mr. Fox this week. It was jolly good, and kept me thoroughly entertained for one hour and thirty minutes.

There was however one major difference between the book and the film, which in my humble opinion does tend to leave it slightly lacking. In the book Mr Fox pokes his head out of his fox hole, then his body, then he catches a scent of the three farmers on the wind and runs back in... but a little too late... as they shoot his tail off.

Now.. this happens in the film, BUT the next part only happens in the book. When he returns back to his hole, Mrs Fox licks his stump where the tail used to be. Now I'm not sure if stump licking would raise the certificate from a U to a PG13, but I say leave the stump licking in. It's an essential part of the storyline.

Here's hoping it's in the Directors cut... "Includes 20 mins of unedited stump licking". WOOF WOOF.

Santazzzz

2009-12-12T10:19:00.000-08:00

There is a tradition in New York where a load of people all dress up as Santa, or an elf, or a reindeer, or a present... and then all head out on a pub crawl. I didn't hear about this until it was too late to get my costume in order, but I did manage to snap a picture of it (since they were outside my apartment and it involved minimum effort and not having to go outside... in fact, I didn't even have to stand up).

Enjoy. ZommmGQ!!@@@

Featured Blogzz

2009-12-11T10:14:00.000-08:00

This weeks featured blog is "The Road To Joy". Beth, a stay-at-home mum of 4 interests include: Family, home schooling, provident living (gardening, goats, chickens, canning, sourdough bread etc), church, and reading.

There are some great sketches by the children, and some amazing pumpkin carving! Enjoy!!

http://millersroadtojoy.blogspot.com/

Fricking Freezingzzz

2009-12-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

It's getting very cold here in NYC. And it's not your 'normal' type of "oh, it's a touch nippy outside... better pop on your fleece" cold... oh no nonono... it's the type of cold that cuts through your coat, your jumper, your shirt, your vest, your skin and your spine, and then leaves you a quivering wreck in a shop doorway.

In fact it's sooo cold, some might say the Ice Man Cometh... and what killed the Dinosaurs? THE ICE AGE..... I'm putting you on ICE etc etc .... ROFL.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRH-Ywpz1_I&NR=1

Ralph in NYCzzz

2009-12-09T09:35:00.000-08:00

In loving memory of Dany's visit to NYC, here is a photo of her sat on a bench, with a cup of tea, on the highline. This was just after a lovely lunch a Pastis, which was just after seeing Michael Douglass do a photoshoot outside Soho House, which was just after getting off on the wrong subway stop, which was just after a two day excursion to Washington DC.

I hope you enjoyed your visit Dany, and remember, speak up when ordering oatmeal and tea.

Flat Packzzz

2009-12-08T07:22:00.000-08:00

My last piece of flatpack furniture arrived last night. I never ever ever want to see another box with the words "needs assembly" again.

I have used a range of alan keys, inserted many dowels, hammered in tiny pins, adjusted hinges, and taken to bits and re-assembled parts so many times that I want to be sick in my mouth when I think about it. But it is done now. No more...

Oh and when I built the media cabinet I had to re-wire all of the equipment. There is some serious 'cable management' going on behind that bad boy. Last time I saw cable management like that was by Peter Allen, both in the office, and in the 2nd trap along whilst on the phone. ZOMG....

Poertyzzzz (Part 16)

2009-12-07T07:30:00.000-08:00

Every morning on my way to work

I walk past the place where the hobos lurk

But they're jolly hobos and I'm sure you'll agree

That everyone deserves a warm cup of tea

There's the guy in the wheelchair, who sleeps by the bins

The guy with one leg, when he walks he just spins

The tourettes guy, who likes to shout

And the shopping cart lady who smells like a trout

There's the vietnam vet who thinks he's still there

The old mental pirate, with mad wiry hair

There's one or two guys that look slightly dirty

And sexual deviant who gets rather flirty

But I love all the hobos, in their own special way

Some insults they shout really make my day

And I hope we make friends and howl at the moon

Cause I'm going to end up a hobo quite soon

Saturday Boozerzzz

2009-12-06T14:28:00.000-08:00

You know when it's raining, and you look out the window, and you think "What shall I do today?" and then you go to 'Best Buy' and purchase some leads to connect your British DVD player to your US TV, and you get home and it doesn't work, and then your friend texts you to say they're sat in a bar in Brooklyn, and they're eating cheese and drinking red wine, and the bar is right next to a Subway Station, and that Subway Station is only a few stops away from your apartment where the DVD player doesn't work, and then you go to the bar, and you sit there drinking, and you continue to do that all day?

I definitely didn't do that....

Featured Blogzz

2009-12-05T10:27:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed a little button at the top of blogger that says "next blog"? Well I have... and have also clicked on it a few times. Turns out other people write a load of crap about their lives too. So, in order to increase their traffic and for you to learn a little bit about some mentals, I am going to do a sorta 'blog of the week, blog post on blogger.com'. Here is the first one.... a lovely blog focusing on The Stover Family. They live in Phoenix, have been married for 7 years, have 2 kids, a german shepherd, and a large caravan. Enjoy.

http://thestoverfamily2002.blogspot.com/

Highlinezzzz

2009-12-04T09:19:00.000-08:00

On the last day of my staygaycation I decided to walk up the Highline. This is a part of elevated subway track that they have turned into a garden / walkway.

It was pretty cool apart from most of the foliage consisting of dead, brown grass. I wanted to get my secateurs and edging tool out and do a bit of maintenance, but alas, I forgot to pack then.

It's located in the Meatpacking District, so if you're ever in NY, board and have 10-15 minutes to kill, then it's well worth it... even if you just want to throw some eggs at some cars.

Washington DCzzzz (Part 3)

2009-12-03T09:14:00.000-08:00

On the final day I did a walking tour of all of the monuments. Here is Abe sat on his MASSIVE chair. He's the only President that gets to sit down in his monument. If I was him I'd be chuffed. I mean.. the other ones have to stand up all day, come rain or shine... must be a right bugger.

So, Washington DC. A lovely place, many wonderful museums and monuments to visit. People are friendly (except for the snipers), and I can't wait to see it get destroyed in "2012" tonight. Rofalzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz space zzzzzzz pause zzzzzzz

Washington DCzzzz (Part 2)

2009-12-02T09:04:00.000-08:00

The second day in DC was museum day! I bloody love museums I do... and DC boasts the world's two busiest ones! Number 2: The National History Museum, and Number 1: The Space and Flight Museum. As you can see, the first picture is of the most popular one. And they also had a huge exhibition on Uranus, which surprised me somewhat.

I also went to the "Museum of African Arts" where I got a photo taken with a funny mask on. As you can see... it was quite hilarious. I mean.. I think it was meant for kids, because my face was a bit to big for the mask. Or it could have been meant for shrunken heads... not entirely sure.

Oh, and the building at the bottom is the Smithsonian visitors centre. They do a very reasonable carry away pack of mini yoghurt covered pretzels.

Washington DCzzzz (Part 1)

2009-12-01T08:54:00.000-08:00

This is my vacation week, so I have decided to take a trip down to our nation's Capitol, Washington DC. It's amazing how familiar it all seems as soon as you arrive. You've seen most of the buildings blown up by aliens / tidal waves / projectiles from space in various Roland Emmerich movies.

First in line you have the White House.... which has a load of snipers on the room, or mime artists... could be either. Basically guys dressed in black. Second, the Capitol building which normally gets blown up just before the White House. The finally "George Washington's Erection". As you can see, Washington was a hit with the ladies, although the shape of it didn't always go down too well. Square pen round hole etc etc...

Ikea Beckonzzzzz

2009-11-30T08:29:00.000-08:00

I've been to Red Hook once to visit IKEA... but it seems I just can't keep away. This is my 'vacation' week and I'm starting it off in style. 1 plateful of meatballs, the mysterious red jelly / animal blood stuff, and molten mash. Om nomorific.

I always think the best thing about IKEA is this: You spend an hour walking around various make-believe rooms supposed to inspire you... even when the TVs are plastic, the furniture is falling to pieces and there is normally a fat and/or old person sat in the sofa having a spot of rest bite.... THEN, you enter the fixtures and fittings areas... which is basically organised by Rainman.

If you haven't killed yourself already (by hanging yourself on one of the sturdier towel rails or coat hooks), you then enter "The Market Place" which roughly translated means "Living hell on earth". Here you fight down small aisles with your shopping trolley that wants to plough into stacks of glassware. I normally get sidetracked in the kitchen section as to whether I need some of the tools / utensils... I stand and contemplate whether I'll regret not buying a melon baller... I mean it's only $2.99... and I once ate melon shaped in balls. It could be the highlight of my dinner party, etc...

Then the second to last hurdle.... "End scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark stage" where you enter a huge warehouse filled with crap that can potentially kill you if you unleash its mighty powers.

But as Pete Tong still says... as we continue... you then have to PAY. Which means if you haven't aligned all of the barcodes in perfect unison, and made sure they till operative doesn't have to move more than 3 feet away from her post with her CORDLESS gun (it's cordless for a reason)... you finally get to the $1 hotdogs.

Depressed, tired and weary you allow yourself a small grin. You've done it! You have enough tea lights and coat hangers to last you 6 months. But just then the smile turns into a grimace when you realise that once you get this crap home, you'll have to build it.... all with the tiny Alan key they've provided (hopefully). OMFGlolZ!!@!!

Aparmentzzzz

2009-11-29T08:12:00.000-08:00

So after a FUN weekend of unpacking 36 boxes, dusting off everything, wondering why I shipped some stuff 3,500 miles when I instantly threw it out, getting sidetracked going through old photos, hanging pictures, contemplating hanging myself, pulling myself together and continuing to unpack, finding space for a snowboard in an apartment that consists of three rooms (one of which is the thrown room), realising I have no storage, setting fire to the snowboard and throwing it out of the window, explaining to the homeless man it hit that it was supposed to act as a large "pocket hand warmer", and generally getting very sweaty, dirty and dusty.... I finally got my place into a state where it looks lived in (as opposed to squatted in).

That means I'm ready to entertain guests properly. If only I had some friends... lolzzzzzzzzzz

Karaokezzzz (again and again)

2009-11-28T07:52:00.000-08:00

It seems that every photo that someone has tagged of me on Facebook, involves me singing karaoke. Now... I never thought I was obsessed with it.. or it was a massive part of my life.... but it turns out it is.

This is kind of tragic, but I have accepted it. I have decided to move to a coastal resort and be one of those karaoke hosts. You know the type. Lost dreams of glory... wanted to be a singer, never quite made it, always sings "flash dance" or a Pointer Sister's track like "I'm so excited". That will be me... except my signature track will me "Witchdoctor" by the Cartoons. Ooo eee Ooo ahh ahh, ting tang wallawallabingbang etc... ZOMG

Thanksgivingzzz (part 2)

2009-11-27T16:48:00.000-08:00

Well I must say, the weather here for Thanksgiving was amazing. Blue skies, warm, bright sun. Even the hobos were happy as they got a free meal down at the Bowery Mission.

I attended a very English Thanksgiving party with a total of 7 Brits, 1 Swiss, and 1 Trinidadian. It was a impressive. We started with smoked salmon and cream cheese on very thin toast. Had Turkey with the trimmings for main, pecan pie, apple crumble and chocolate cake for yezzert, and a big ol' plate of cheese for afterz.

In true old time honoured tradition we then played 'charades'. Try acting out "The Advocate" without a) acting like a cat b) trying to make the shape of an Avocado c) dying a little bit inside because you know it's also a gay magazine, and people are laughing at you because you look slightly gay when trying to act it out. All in all, in all in all, it was a good day.

Wankssgivingzzzz

2009-11-26T08:41:00.000-08:00

Today is Thanksgiving. As I will be celebrating it, I decided to find out exactly what it commemorates. Here you go:

"Thanksgiving has been an annual tradition in the United States since 1863. It did not become a federal holiday until 1941. Thanksgiving was historically a religious observation to give thanks to God for a good harvest, but is now primarily identified as a secular holiday.

The First Thanksgiving was celebrated to give thanks to God for helping the Pilgrims of Plymouth Colony survive the brutal winter. The first Thanksgiving feast lasted three days providing enough food for 53 pilgrims and 90 Indians".

So.. it's to give thanks for food. I'm up for celebrating that. I'm off to Popeyes chicken to give $12.99 worth of thanks for a family fun bucket full of chicken arseholes.. Happy thanksgiving!!@!!!!

Shipmentzzzz

2009-11-25T08:33:00.000-08:00

Well... my stuff finally arrived from the UK. All of my worldly belongings (apart from that blue suit I gave to the charity shop - you'll see a kid wearing that on Comic Relief next year).

I thought unpacking would be really exciting... but it's like the worst Christmas ever. Every box you open contains something slightly dirty that you've owned for years. I also wish they would have put some breathing holes on the box containing my cat, Mr Snuggles. He didn't look so well when I opened up the box. Maybe I shouldn't have packed him in the same box as that crystal glass decanter, containing dangerous amounts of asbestos. Whoops! ZomMG!!@555

Work Work Workzzzz

2009-11-24T08:19:00.000-08:00

Working on a pretty engrossing project at the moment, which means I barely leave my apartment. I've got serious cabin fever right now. Lack of human contact has manifested itself in ways you can't possibly imagine. I have surrounded myself with mannequins of Michaels Jackson, started to walk on all fours, eat my food using ONLY my hands, self flagellate 3 times a day using red rope liquorice , and listen to 'Mr Blobby' (by Mr Blobby) on loop all day.

Also, I occasionally go over to my window and expose myself to the people of the "Bowery Mission". They seem to love it... because they do the same right back!! OMFG!!@!!!

Smellycopterzzz

2009-11-23T08:01:00.000-08:00

Here's the official photo of our Helicopter trip. As you can see.... that's me on the left, to the right of me is Hassell... and to the right of him is his lovely ladyfriend. Oh... and the big machine behind us with the blades on top (that could nicely ruin 'Kid' from 'Kid 'n Play's hairdo), is what's called a helicopter.

As you can see they gave us all matching bum bags (or fanny packs as they call them out here). They contained a mixer bag of sweets, a hand mirror, screw-top coin purse, Pez dispenser, Alton Towers ride map, and a Capri sun. Best. day. of. my. life.

Physical Graffitizzz

2009-11-22T10:30:00.000-08:00

Went on a walk round the East Village today. There's one in my guidebook, that takes you all of the interesting sites... such as Charlie Parker's house, the Russian baths, the doggy activity area, and the building that appeared on the cover of Led Zep's 'Physical Graffiti'. Here's a photo of it.

I think that's Bobby Plant out front.. he's stacked on a bit of weight, and lost his hair, and he's downgraded his car to a Subaru, but he's still got it in my opinion. rofllssssss```!!@!

Cute Kittenzzz

2009-11-21T14:24:00.000-08:00

Aww.. look at him. Sat there.. all cute. You just want to stroke his 'ickle face and go "wowowowowowo", and maybe pat him on the head, and so he makes a little 'puurrrrr' sound. Wouldn't that be soooo adorable? But wait... what's that kitty? You have a message for everyone out there? What could it be?.. deffo something adorable.... Click here to find out.

Restroooomzzz (part 2)

2009-11-20T09:55:00.000-08:00

Here is some more lovely artwork I snapped at a restroom in Brooklyn.

Notice how the original artist focuses on the curvature of the woman's breast, and the side and front view of the nipple. The slim waste of the female figure. The dominating presence of the stance. The angle of the composition which echos Degas, with a touch of the great Renaissance artists, such a Boticelli. And the second artist who drew a cock jizzing on them. Roflll!

Cushionzzz, I mean Pillowzzzz

2009-11-19T09:45:00.000-08:00

Over here they call something that you put on your sofa, a 'pillow'. I would say a pillow is where you rest your head, when in bed..... something two frisky, young girls at a sleepover fight with... something the Mafia use to cover someone's face, muffling the sound of gunshots. Something an oversexed dog would grab hold of and dry hump.

A cushion is a thing that sits on a sofa... and here is a photo of a lovely one my brother bought for me. That's all.

Confusionzzzz

2009-11-18T09:13:00.000-08:00

There are many confusing things that I deal with in my life. Things that you never thought about when you're a child, but when you come of age you're suddenly expected to know about.

Things such as 'thread count'. I mean... thread count? How do I know what's a good thread count? When I'm down the pub talking about my sheets, and bragging about my pillow cases having a thread count of 60, how do I know they're not pissing themselves because they know that's pitiful, and they are sleeping in the finest Egyptian Cotton with a thread count of 120? Why didn't they teach you about this at school? Why did I waste my time on fractions, drama, and the reproductive organs of a plant? I mean.. JESUS.. actually I bet his robe had a wickedly high thread count.. probably off the scale! Rofllllzzzzz.

cardzzz

2009-11-17T08:54:00.000-08:00

Here is the array of cards I received from various people. I'd say at least 90% were insulting in some way or other. And 40% contained at least one comedy cock. 10% contained money, and 2% contained a receipt from Boots the Chemist with lots of swears written on it. I have such a bunch of 'special' friends. Thanks again...

Per Sezzzz

2009-11-16T08:30:00.000-08:00

No 31st birthday is complete without a trip to "Per Se".... NYCs finest dinery, winery and oil refinery. They even went to the extent of wasting some ink on the top of my menu to print my name.... and they actually spelt it right.

When I thanked them they looked at me, puzzled.... and then laughed. "Oh you thought it was for YOUR birthday?, no Sir, it's for Mr Iain Dowie's Birthday". Unbelievable that the best footballer ever to step out for Southampton was also in New York, at Per Se, AND celebrating his birthday. I mean.. what are the chances? Well I worked it out, and it's 130,000 to 1.